adBlockCheck

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

MOBILE, AL—Hugh Thompson's personal relationship with God entered the public sphere once again Monday, when the 48-year-old born-again Christian shared word of his devotion with shoppers at Dorman's Supermarket.

Thompson shares a private moment with the Bible at a local restaurant.

"You're wondering why I have such a big smile on my face today!" Thompson said, attracting the attention of several shoppers in the cereal aisle. "It's because I have allowed Jesus into my life! Wherever I go, He is deep inside my heart."

According to family sources, Thompson's relationship with God began 14 years ago, when the then-alcoholic businessman was born again into the First Evangelical Free Church of Christ. After he entered into a pact with Jesus to renounce sin and, in turn, receive salvation, Thompson's bond with God grew so intimate that he couldn't help but share it with his family, his friends, people who sat next to him on airplanes, and strangers he met on the street.

Donald Gaston, who shared an elevator with Thompson yesterday, was able to elaborate.

"Hugh's got a very personal, private relationship with God," Gaston said. "He told me all about it."

As a member of God's personal flock, Thompson said he has been "called upon to spread the word about God's righteousness." Thompson has placed "WWJD" and "I'm Saved... Are YOU?" bumper stickers on his family's two SUVs, filled both floors of his home with religious iconography, and placed a large silver cross on his coat lapel. He has referenced his relationship with Jesus while dressing down hungover employees, and frequently relates his journey into the Lord's house.

"I was talking to the Lord the other day," Thompson said. "He said, 'Hugh, I know you're tired, but I want you to drive on down to [local AM radio station] KTXR and tell the people your story—and, by extension, Mine.'"

"Tired as I was," Thompson said, "I listened to my Lord. I put on my Sunday suit, and I drove down to KTXR, where I talked about my darkest days and how I found the light. And people tell me Mary Sue Patton's Sunrise Witness show that morning was one of the finest ever broadcast."

Thompson said he is especially proud of the good works he and God have accomplished on the local school board, by working as a team.

"Teamwork," Thompson said, holding up a copy of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast Of Champions. "I asked Jesus, 'Jesus, do you want trash like this at the library?' Jesus didn't even have to take any time to think! He said, 'Hugh, no book filled with drawings of women's privates and people's behinds belongs in a library!' I move we do what Jesus would."

Thanks to the combined efforts of God and his friends in Mobile, Vonnegut's book was removed from shelves.

According to Thompson, the only regret he has about his personal relationship with God is that he is unable to share it with more people.

"If I could, I'd tell the entire country about the message of salvation God has shared with me," Thompson said. "With God's guidance, I've become the wealthiest chicken-feed wholesaler in the entire state. Maybe someday, I'll be famous enough to be on television. I sure do have a truckload of respect for people like President Bush, who aren't afraid to talk about how they've come to know the Lord. If only I could proclaim my private faith to as many people as the president has, I know that God would be so proud of me. And, ultimately, that's who this is all about."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close