Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

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Vol 40 Issue 40

Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen Whole Heck Of A Lot

GREEN BAY, WI—David Horsted, 45, announced Monday that he's seen a whole heck of a lot during his 20 years driving a taxi. "Aw, geez, the people I've met and the places I've seen—the stories would make your head spin," Horsted said. "I've been from Lambeau Field to the Barhausen Waterfowl Preserve and every place in between. One time, one of the Packers even threw up in my cab, but I don't think I should say who." With a little prodding, Horsted said the person's first name rhymes with "baloney" and last name with "sandwich."

Ad Exec Doesn't Care What Proverb Actually Means

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Agency creative executive Patrick Bergman authorized the use of a common proverb in a Subway ad campaign in spite of the fact that the phrase's true meaning undermines the intent of the ad, the 41-year-old reported Monday. "The ad slogan 'Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch?' was perfect for Subway's free-sandwich giveaway," Bergman said. "Who cares if, technically, the customer had to buy 12 sandwiches to get one free? People know the phrase, and they respond to it." Bergman last misused a proverb two weeks ago, when he put "haste makes waste" in an ad encouraging people to hurry to a 12-hour Macy's white sale.

91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

TEMPE, AZ—Lillian Reselman celebrated her 91st birthday Monday by continuing to do what she's been doing for more than nine decades: outliving those closest to her. "This amazing lady has outlived not only two sisters, a brother, and a husband, but scores of friends—and even her only son, who died in the Vietnam War," Oak Hill nursing-home employee Tanya Stoles said. "Lily is a real survivor." Stoles credited Reselman's incredible longevity to her "great endurance."

Many Animals Harmed In Catering Of Film

LOS ANGELES—More than 50 animal-rights activists picketed outside the gates of 20th Century Fox studios Monday to protest the fact that hundreds of animals were harmed by craft services on the set of Mel Gibson's Night Of The Desert Rose. "Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie," protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. "And these weren't dignified deaths. Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being fileted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice." Cinemeals, Inc. issued a statement that read in part, "Although we regret the need to kill animals, sometimes sacrifices must be made in the service of voraciousness."

Study: Good Porn Still Hard To Find

BOSTON—According to a report released by the Institute for Advanced Media Studies, good porn remains hard to find. "Though it's true that there is 350 percent more pornographic material on the market than there was five years ago, quality porn is as difficult to find as ever," Dr. Jeffrey Conchlin said. "Sometimes, you can find a DVD with hot chicks who seem to be enjoying themselves, but usually, they've got big fake tits, the sex is either boring or way too gross, and the setting is totally depressing. This trend is discouraging." Dr. Conchlin added that porn filmmakers are at least a decade away from seamlessly combining good storytelling with hot DP.

Debate Rules

As President Bush and U.S. Sen. John Kerry square of in the debates, they are following a set of detailed guidelines. What are some of the rules?

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C.
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Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

MOBILE, AL—Hugh Thompson's personal relationship with God entered the public sphere once again Monday, when the 48-year-old born-again Christian shared word of his devotion with shoppers at Dorman's Supermarket.

Thompson shares a private moment with the Bible at a local restaurant.

"You're wondering why I have such a big smile on my face today!" Thompson said, attracting the attention of several shoppers in the cereal aisle. "It's because I have allowed Jesus into my life! Wherever I go, He is deep inside my heart."

According to family sources, Thompson's relationship with God began 14 years ago, when the then-alcoholic businessman was born again into the First Evangelical Free Church of Christ. After he entered into a pact with Jesus to renounce sin and, in turn, receive salvation, Thompson's bond with God grew so intimate that he couldn't help but share it with his family, his friends, people who sat next to him on airplanes, and strangers he met on the street.

Donald Gaston, who shared an elevator with Thompson yesterday, was able to elaborate.

"Hugh's got a very personal, private relationship with God," Gaston said. "He told me all about it."

As a member of God's personal flock, Thompson said he has been "called upon to spread the word about God's righteousness." Thompson has placed "WWJD" and "I'm Saved... Are YOU?" bumper stickers on his family's two SUVs, filled both floors of his home with religious iconography, and placed a large silver cross on his coat lapel. He has referenced his relationship with Jesus while dressing down hungover employees, and frequently relates his journey into the Lord's house.

"I was talking to the Lord the other day," Thompson said. "He said, 'Hugh, I know you're tired, but I want you to drive on down to [local AM radio station] KTXR and tell the people your story—and, by extension, Mine.'"

"Tired as I was," Thompson said, "I listened to my Lord. I put on my Sunday suit, and I drove down to KTXR, where I talked about my darkest days and how I found the light. And people tell me Mary Sue Patton's Sunrise Witness show that morning was one of the finest ever broadcast."

Thompson said he is especially proud of the good works he and God have accomplished on the local school board, by working as a team.

"Teamwork," Thompson said, holding up a copy of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast Of Champions. "I asked Jesus, 'Jesus, do you want trash like this at the library?' Jesus didn't even have to take any time to think! He said, 'Hugh, no book filled with drawings of women's privates and people's behinds belongs in a library!' I move we do what Jesus would."

Thanks to the combined efforts of God and his friends in Mobile, Vonnegut's book was removed from shelves.

According to Thompson, the only regret he has about his personal relationship with God is that he is unable to share it with more people.

"If I could, I'd tell the entire country about the message of salvation God has shared with me," Thompson said. "With God's guidance, I've become the wealthiest chicken-feed wholesaler in the entire state. Maybe someday, I'll be famous enough to be on television. I sure do have a truckload of respect for people like President Bush, who aren't afraid to talk about how they've come to know the Lord. If only I could proclaim my private faith to as many people as the president has, I know that God would be so proud of me. And, ultimately, that's who this is all about."

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