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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Personal-Safety Tips

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

Personal-Safety Tips

  • Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

  • Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
  • Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
  • When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
  • In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.
  • Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
  • If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
  • Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
  • Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
  • If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
  • Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
  • Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
  • If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
  • When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.
  • Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
  • If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
  • According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.

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