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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Personal-Safety Tips

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

Personal-Safety Tips

  • Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

  • Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
  • Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
  • When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
  • In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.
  • Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
  • If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
  • Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
  • Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
  • If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
  • Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
  • Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
  • If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
  • When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.
  • Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
  • If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
  • According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.

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