Personal-Safety Tips

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Personal-Safety Tips

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

Personal-Safety Tips

  • Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

  • Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
  • Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
  • When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
  • In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.
  • Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
  • If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
  • Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
  • Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
  • If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
  • Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
  • Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
  • If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
  • When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.
  • Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
  • If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
  • According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.


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