Personal-Safety Tips

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Vol 36 Issue 13

Eleven-Year-Old Has Miniskirt, Pumps, Vague Notion Of What Sex Is

EL CENTRO, CA–According to reports, area 11-year-old Brianna Kimble possesses a black miniskirt, red-vinyl pumps with two-inch heels, and a vague understanding of the concept of sex. "We're not supposed to cover that until the seventh grade," said Kimble, sporting a midriff-baring "Porn Star" T-shirt, "but I know it's got something to do with when you take off your clothes and do stuff with a boy. And I think I heard somewhere that you can catch, like, diseases from it." Kimble then applied copious amounts of Hello Kitty Glitter Gloss to her lips.

NAACP Demands Less Minority Representation On UPN

BALTIMORE–Decrying the strong presence of African Americans on such programs as Malcolm & Eddie, Shasta, and The Parkers, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume called Monday for a significant reduction in minority representation on UPN. "We must step up pressure on this network to decrease the visibility of our people," said Mfume, addressing the NAACP's Board Of Directors. "America is just 13 percent black, yet on these crappy shows, we make up a full 85 percent. This is utterly unacceptable." Mfume then called for a boycott of UPN until the network "severely underrepresents us."

Message Under Juice Cap Totally Applies To Area Woman

GOOSE CREEK, TX–An inspirational message printed on the underside of an Elliott's Amazing Apple Juice bottle cap "totally applies" to area resident Carole Smith, 38. "It says, 'Often the things we search for most are already here.' That is so true," said Smith, opening the bottle. "Like friends and family and stuff." Smith praised the juice cap as "so deep."

Spelling Error Leads To Elaborate Cover-Up Doodle

OREM, UT–A spelling error led to an elaborate cover-up doodle Monday, when Lisa Cone, 16, buried evidence that she had misspelled "your" as "you're." "Luckily, I was able to transform the 'e' into a cartoon face, using the loop in the 'e' as a nose and drawing eyes above it," Cone said. "I then got rid of the apostrophe by thickening the left side of the vertical line in the 'r' until it was swallowed up entirely."

Coworkers Unable To Put Finger On What's Weird About Gary

WANTAGH, NY–For the third straight week, Gary Thurlow's coworkers at Liberty Travel remain unable to pin down what's weird about him. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Jessica Spivak said, "but there's something kinda odd." Explanations have included his mode of dress, the way he sits, the tenor of his voice, and that thing he does with his hands.

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?

Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Personal-Safety Tips

In today's crime-ridden world, personal safety is more important than ever. Here are some tips to help you protect yourself:

Personal-Safety Tips

  • Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.

  • Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
  • Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
  • When venturing out in public, cover your genitals with both hands while scurrying furtively from place to place.
  • In the event that you are mugged, switch immediately from Democrat to Republican.
  • Carry mace with you at all times. This medieval spiked ball is ideal for fending off would-be attackers.
  • If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
  • Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
  • Try to live in close proximity to the Batman.
  • If mugged, take the opportunity to do a little comedic "mugging" of your own. Gesticulate wildly and say, "Oh, no!"
  • Take a women's self-defense class. It won't protect you from an armed attacker, but you'll get a chance to bond with your "sisters."
  • Instead of a real wallet, carry a gag one that shoots ink or confetti when you open it. That'll show Mr. Mugger!
  • If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
  • When threatened by carnivorous space aliens, stand next to the guy featured most prominently on the movie poster.
  • Keep in mind that it's hard to rob someone who has taken the precautionary measure of setting him or herself ablaze.
  • If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
  • According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.
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