adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Personal Trainer Has Desk

DALLAS—After seeing the inside of a small office room near the elliptical machines at Fitworks Gym, sources confirmed Monday that personal trainer Marc Robinson has a desk. “It’s a desk with a little pen holder and drawers for, I don’t know, his papers or something, I guess,” said gym member Maggie Rosado of the desk, which belongs to a man whose job consists primarily of walking around the interior of a fitness center and helping people lift weights. “There is a chair, too, for when he needs to sit down at his desk for extended periods of time and do, you know, work. Paperwork. Or whatever it is he needs a desk for.” At press time, sources were staring with quizzical expressions at a large file cabinet near the desk.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close