Peruvian Rebels Seize Control Of Their Lives

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Vol 31 Issue 14

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Oh, I So Nervous!

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo!

Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?
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Peruvian Rebels Seize Control Of Their Lives

LIMA, PERU—In a daring midnight raid Monday, Peru's Tupac Amaru rebels seized control of their lives, determining clear goals for their futures and turning their dreams into reality through positive-minded conceptualization techniques.

Tupac Amaru rebels enjoy the company of some new friends after seizing control of their lives with an extraordinary new set of motivational cassette tapes.

The seizure is considered by international motivational strategists to be a devastating blow to Peruvian president Albert Fujimori, long seen as a major threat to the Peruvian rebels' self-esteem and ability to grow emotionally.

"With this defiant act, we, the Tupac Amaru rebels, have taken major strides toward freeing ourselves from self-defeating patterns of behavior, mastering our minds and unlocking our true potential, all by following the four-part SUCcesS plan," group leader Nestor Cerpa said in an underground radio broadcast Monday. "First, we Saw our goals, visualizing our new lives of financial independence and self-realization. Second, we Utilized our skills to eliminate fears and success-blocking thoughts. Third, we Committed ourselves to following our individual success path. And fourth, we Showed our willingness to remodel our lives and become the people we want to be by purchasing all 12 Amazing Power! motivational audio cassettes in just four easy payments."

Within four to six weeks, the Peruvian rebels will begin to see the positive effects of motivational speaker Rich Somers' wildly popular Amazing Power! audio lecture series in their own lives, transporting them to an exciting new world of wealth, happiness and political power, sources say.

Testimonials to the effectiveness of the rebels' new strategic approach were provided earlier this week by Miguel Alvaro, a former Shining Path rebel who grew up dirt-poor on a sugarcane farm but now owns a chain of tanning salons throughout California and recently purchased his dream home in Honolulu, Hawaii.

"It's true. This amazing success formula really works," Alvaro said in a pre-recorded segment.

"I used to be afraid that I lacked the charisma and looks necessary to attract the opposite sex," said Alvaro, flanked by swimwear-clad young women. "But thanks to this incredible new audio cassette offer, I have the confidence I need to get what I want out of life."

Experts believe that it is only a matter of time before the Peruvian rebels actualize their goals, using the power of positive thinking to overthrow the Fujimori regime and establish broad-based Marxist rule throughout Peru.

Herb Wahlbeck, infomercial host for Amazing Power!, agreed. "Boy, now that those rebels down in Peru have started the complete Rich Somers motivational program, I'll just bet we start seeing loads of their jailed comrades freed. And redistribution of wealth and land reform are right around the corner for Peru. Why? Because that's what Amazing Power! is all about."

Wahlbeck explained that by setting goals, visualizing success and then making that success happen, Tupac Amaru forces had already made Amazing Power! work for them. Turning to a nearby camera, he added, "And it can work for you, too."

Wahlbeck then advised reporters to dial the number at the bottom of their screen, and to have a Visa or MasterCard ready before ordering.

"For years, we have lived a life of struggle, hiding from the government in secret bases in the Andes mountains, fighting for survival against the superior military strength of our oppressors," Cerpa said. "But from this day forth we shall triumph, secure in the knowledge that our personal confidence has been boosted, our outlook is positive-minded, and our dreams are within our reach."

Cerpa also claimed to have quit smoking, lost 50 pounds and taken nine hostages since ordering the series.

Despite the incredible effectiveness of Amazing Power!, Peruvian military leaders are confident that all rebel efforts will be suppressed.

"Peru's elite national guard is among the most self-actualized, excellence-focused armies in the world," General Jorge Vasmos said in a prepared statement. "Ever since we ordered Tony Downs' Make It Happen! motivational cassettes, our soldiers have crushed literally dozens of coup attempts. They have unlocked the ability to not only open fire, but also open their minds."

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