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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sources reported. “Kyle’s a real freak—he’ll just sneak up to his parents’ bed wearing nothing but his pajamas while they’re sound asleep, and then just flat-out beg to spend the entire night under the covers with them,” said the boy’s uncle Carl Rogers, adding that the deviant kindergartener also insists that his parents assume his favorite positions on either side of him. “The thing is, if his parents aren’t into it, he’ll immediately start pleading and bargaining to try to find any way he can to satisfy his depraved cravings. And this is really fucked up: Sometimes he’ll even request that the family dog, Oscar, get into the mix and sleep with all of them. It’s sick. Just sick.” Rogers confirmed that this is not the only debauched predilection his nephew has exhibited, adding that the child frequently forces his parents into a humiliating sadistic ritual in which they must kiss small wounds on his body before bandaging them.

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