adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pet-Care Tips

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

Child washing her puppy.


  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
  • Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
  • Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
  • If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
  • Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
  • Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.
  • Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
  • If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
  • Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
  • Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair–often matted with clumps of feces–with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
  • When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
  • Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
  • Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet.
  • By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
  • Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
  • If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
  • Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
  • Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close