Pet-Care Tips

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Vol 37 Issue 23

Robbie Krieger Goes 51 Minutes Without Mentioning Jim Morrison

LOS ANGELES–In his longest-such stretch since 1982, Doors guitarist Robbie Krieger went 51 minutes Monday without mentioning former bandmate Jim Morrison. "When Jim was around, anything could happen. Anything," Krieger told friend Bob Gale before unexpectedly detouring into a Morrison-free conversation about his car, a restaurant his cousin manages, and the recent L.A. mayoral election. The streak ended when, without prompting, Krieger said: "You know, despite his reputation, Jim was a genuinely friendly, approachable guy." Krieger then told the story of the time Morrison was arrested for indecent exposure in Miami for the 8,194th time.

Nepotism Passed Off As Synergy

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ–The hiring of Adam Dwyer by Merck Pharmaceutical was described Monday by CEO James Dwyer as "tremendously synergistic." "With his impressive range of experiences, including one and a half years of bartending and four years of heavy pharmaceutical use at the University of Delaware, Adam brings a lot to the table," Dwyer said of his nephew. "We, in turn, can help Adam earn $220,000 a year as vice-president of corporate communications for the Mid-Atlantic region."

Resident Of Three Years Decries Neighborhood's Recent Gentrification

CHICAGO–Bruce Smales, a three-year resident of Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood, lashed out Monday against encroaching gentrification. "See that big Barnes & Noble on the corner? You better believe that wasn't there back in '98," said Smales, 34, a finance manager with Accenture. "This whole place is turning into Yuppieville. You can't throw a rock without hitting a couple in matching Ralph Lauren baseball caps walking a black lab." Smales then took his golden lab for a walk.

Sony Brings Shame To My Profession!

The Japanese do a lot of things better than us Americans, like making cars and preparing sushi. Well, now you can add to that list fabricating bogus movie reviews! It would seem that Sony Pictures couldn't find a real reviewer to say that Tales Of The Knights star Heath Ledger is a red-hot hunk, so they made one up! Why would they do that when I would have been more than happy to go on record saying that Ledger scorches the screen? (He does!) And, as for the movie itself, it's a whale of a tale, not to mention a non-stop thrill ride! There certainly was no need for Sony to resort to deception. It's things like this that hurt the credibility of all the honest entertainment journalists out there.

The World War II Memorial

The planned WWII Memorial on the National Mall has sparked controversy, its critics questioning its necessity, location, and design. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pet-Care Tips

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

Child washing her puppy.


  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
  • Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
  • Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
  • If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
  • Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
  • Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.
  • Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
  • If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
  • Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
  • Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair–often matted with clumps of feces–with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
  • When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
  • Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
  • Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet.
  • By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
  • Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
  • If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
  • Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
  • Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.
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