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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Pet-Care Tips

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

Child washing her puppy.


  • When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
  • Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.
  • Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake guys.
  • If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
  • Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm gay!"
  • Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the mug.
  • Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.
  • If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.
  • Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.
  • Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair–often matted with clumps of feces–with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.
  • When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.
  • Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
  • Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the surface of the pet.
  • By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into stores and restaurants.
  • Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.
  • If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
  • Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way to be sure without extensive testing.
  • Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their amusement, goddammit.

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