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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Pet Dog Almost Like Disgusting Family Member

JACKSON, MS—Sources within the Tibbett household told reporters Thursday that their pet dog, Digby, is so much a part of their lives that they treat him like a filthy, foul-smelling member of the family. “We include him in everything we do, so it’s like he’s a nasty, disgusting-mannered one of us,” said Brenda Tibbett, 38, adding that she thinks of the 8-year-old sheepdog as her “other, extremely repellent child.” “I guess over the years he’s become a urine-soaked addition to the Tibbett clan, and now he’s just like any other family member who chews on his genitals and anus when company’s over.” At press time, the family had reportedly decided to go out for ice cream, bringing along the Tibbett who would be just as happy to tear up the furniture or eat his own shit.

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