adBlockCheck

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

Sources say Digby's food intake shows no sign of slowing, even as the economy continues to falter.
Sources say Digby's food intake shows no sign of slowing, even as the economy continues to falter.

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday.

According to reports, the 5-year-old labrador appears callously unswayed by the constant stream of gloomy market forecasts and instead demands greater and greater supplies of dog food, to the point where he must think the Dow Jones industrial average is soaring through the fucking roof or something.

"We buy a huge bag of food at the Safeway every week, and Digby just gobbles it up and comes back for more, as if we're still living in the boom years of the late '90s," said the dog's owner, Lewis Chambers, complaining of the household pet's ravenous, fiscally irresponsible eating. "How anyone could be so gluttonous while we're seeing some of the worst economic indicators in generations is beyond me, but Digby just doesn't seem to care. Hell, he won't even eat regular dry food now unless the canned stuff is mixed in with it."

"Did he not see the latest jobs report?" added Chambers, shaking his head in amazement. "People are really struggling out there."

A Troubling Pattern Of Gluttony

In addition to pretending we're living in some fucking golden age of prosperity as he gorges on brand-name pet foods, the shockingly selfish Digby reportedly supplements his three large daily meals with regular feedings of Milk-Bones and table scraps, as well as one to two pig's ears per week from a specialty pet store.

Sources said the sum total of these items amounts to approximately his own freaking weight in food every week, as if the U.S. unemployment rate hasn't been above 8 percent for the past three goddamn years.

"Times have been hard for Lew's pipe-fitting business, so like everyone else we've been tightening our belts," said Chambers' wife, Beverly. "Essentially, everyone is cutting corners except Digby. I thought maybe he'd finally show a little austerity when the economy only expanded at a listless 1.5 percent annual pace, but instead he just eats bowl after bowl while barely coming up for air. What the hell is wrong with him?"

Attempts to understand the pet's colossal appetite and fiscal obliviousness have yielded few explanations. Small animal veterinarian Dr. Janet Gardner told reporters Digby's metabolism and daily activities do not require him to eat such an inordinate amount of food, and one would think the shame of overeating in a time of great, great struggle for many families would, if anything, suppress his appetite.

"Quite frankly, his behavior is abhorrent," said Gardner, who emphasized that Digby does nothing to provide for the Chambers family, subsisting entirely on free handouts. "This asshole's chowing down like he's in a pie-eating contest. Meanwhile, the nation's credit rating has been downgraded for the first time in history, and everyone's fucking job is moving overseas. And he does know we're fighting a war, too, right? Unbelievable."

According to Forbes columnist Ken Fisher, Digby's pattern of reckless eating represents a shocking lack of compassion for those still affected by the credit crisis, and in many ways exemplifies the nation's troubling tendency toward greed and excess even in difficult times.

"I suppose it's possible to see hopeful signs in Digby's fiscally confident eating and suggest his behavior could stimulate recovery," said Fisher, who along with other experts has been watching Digby's eating habits closely in recent months. "But I think it's far more likely he's displaying the 'irrational exuberance' Alan Greenspan warned about. This fucking dog is eating his owners out of house and home right now, and he seems to have no shame about it. He just keep wagging his tail."

"And honestly, where does it stop?" Fisher added. "I for one do not see Digby adopting sober consumption habits anytime soon, especially if he keeps rooting through the trash while everyone's at work."

With long-term market forecasts suggesting continued hardship ahead, the Chambers household waits for a hopeful sign of recovery or, even better, for their goddamn dog to stop devouring everything in sight. Meanwhile, President Obama has called on Americans for patience and continued resolve.

"While our economy has made some encouraging strides in the past two years, we are very far from being out of the woods," President Obama said in a live televised address. "All of us have a responsibility to make sure everyone in our country is properly fed and cared for, and that requires sacrifices from all of us."

"And as a personal aside to Digby the dog: You need to stop eating, bud," the president continued. "It is wasteful, selfish, and unsustainable. And you're being a very bad dog."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close