adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pete Carroll

Coach, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Never throws in the towel, even if his team is up by 30 points; Extremely likable to anyone who can’t see through his bullshit

Weaknesses: Probably that he cares too much, or maybe that he works too hard; Hasn’t slept in 18 years; Loss to Vince Young in 2006 BCS National Championship Game looks more and more pathetic every day

Coaching Style: Not afraid to yell “woo” in faces of Seahawks; Attempts to make brutally violent game fun for everyone

Strategy: Going for it

Facial Expressions: Cocky fuck; incredulous prick

Fun Nickname: “Coach”

Recruiting Violations Since Joining Seahawks: Zero

Email: pcarroll1@usc.edu

NEXT: Russell Wilson

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close