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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl

NEW YORK—Conceding that they could not imagine anything more satisfying, sources closest to Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll admitted to reporters Thursday that they would love to see him get blown out in a Super Bowl. “Honestly, yeah, it’d be great to watch him get trounced by like 20, maybe 24 points on Sunday,” said lifelong friend Paul Tuchrello, expressing a sentiment similar to that of the rest of Carroll’s friends and family members who confirmed that they are privately hoping the coach will be absolutely humiliated in the biggest game of his nearly 40-year career. “If the Broncos wrap this thing up in the third quarter and we get to watch Pete despondently roam the sideline for another 35 or 40 minutes, I’d be thrilled. I mean, if the Seahawks got shut out that’d be incredible, but I’d settle for pretty much any scenario where he helplessly watches as his team gets dismantled in front of a hundred million people.” Those in Carroll’s inner circle added that watching the Seahawks come up one yard short as time expired would also be enjoyable.

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