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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl

NEW YORK—Conceding that they could not imagine anything more satisfying, sources closest to Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll admitted to reporters Thursday that they would love to see him get blown out in a Super Bowl. “Honestly, yeah, it’d be great to watch him get trounced by like 20, maybe 24 points on Sunday,” said lifelong friend Paul Tuchrello, expressing a sentiment similar to that of the rest of Carroll’s friends and family members who confirmed that they are privately hoping the coach will be absolutely humiliated in the biggest game of his nearly 40-year career. “If the Broncos wrap this thing up in the third quarter and we get to watch Pete despondently roam the sideline for another 35 or 40 minutes, I’d be thrilled. I mean, if the Seahawks got shut out that’d be incredible, but I’d settle for pretty much any scenario where he helplessly watches as his team gets dismantled in front of a hundred million people.” Those in Carroll’s inner circle added that watching the Seahawks come up one yard short as time expired would also be enjoyable.

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