The Health and Human Services says that the country's Shawnas are "tan enough."
COOPERSTOWN, NYThe Baseball Writers Association of America announced that the "former Cincinnati Reds superstar" and "quiet, unassuming model citizen" by the name of "Pat Rosenburg," whose career statistics merited Hall of Fame consideration, was revealed by investigators to be a desperate, mustachioed, glasses-wearing Pete Rose. "When I looked at Pat Rosenburg’s stats17-time All-Star, three batting titles, tied with Pete Rose for the career hits leadI had to wonder why this so-called ‘Chuckie Hustle’ wasn’t already in the Hall," said Jayson Stark, who, along with other members of the BBWAA, was informed Wednesday of Pete Rose’s role in the Pat Rosenburg candidacy. "Luckily for the integrity of the game, [Rosenburg] wasn’t elected by voters anyway because he only had 160 career home runs." Rose is expected to fervently deny the allegations that Pat Rosenburg was just him in disguise, as his upcoming tell-all autobiography, My Secret Life As Pat Rosenburg, does not hit stores until late July.