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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Pete Rose Jr. Somehow Finds Way To Disgrace Family Name

CINCINNATI—Pete Rose Jr., whose father was issued a lifetime ban from baseball in 1989 for betting on Reds games while employed as the team's manager, found a way to further tarnish the baseball legacy of the Rose family when he pleaded guilty Monday to charges that he distributed and sold an illegal steroid alternative to his minor-league teammates. "It'd be tough for any son to live in the shadow of a tax-evading gambler, a man who would only admit he compromised the integrity of baseball as part of a publicity stunt to promote his autobiography," said Cincinnati Reds beat reporter Hal McCoy, who has written extensively about Rose Sr.'s various exploits, from the sale of counterfeit memorabilia to his dressing up in a chicken outfit at professional-wrestling pay-per-view events. "But Rose Jr., who never had the raw talent that his father exhibited in his heyday, was nonetheless able to live up to his namesake in his own way." As punishment for peddling the drug gamma butyrolactone (GBL) to teammates, Rose Jr. is facing up to two years in federal prison, a fine of $1 million, and a lifetime ban from all Double-A baseball and the independent Atlantic League's defending champion Long Island Ducks.

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