adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pete Rose Jr. Somehow Finds Way To Disgrace Family Name

CINCINNATI—Pete Rose Jr., whose father was issued a lifetime ban from baseball in 1989 for betting on Reds games while employed as the team's manager, found a way to further tarnish the baseball legacy of the Rose family when he pleaded guilty Monday to charges that he distributed and sold an illegal steroid alternative to his minor-league teammates. "It'd be tough for any son to live in the shadow of a tax-evading gambler, a man who would only admit he compromised the integrity of baseball as part of a publicity stunt to promote his autobiography," said Cincinnati Reds beat reporter Hal McCoy, who has written extensively about Rose Sr.'s various exploits, from the sale of counterfeit memorabilia to his dressing up in a chicken outfit at professional-wrestling pay-per-view events. "But Rose Jr., who never had the raw talent that his father exhibited in his heyday, was nonetheless able to live up to his namesake in his own way." As punishment for peddling the drug gamma butyrolactone (GBL) to teammates, Rose Jr. is facing up to two years in federal prison, a fine of $1 million, and a lifetime ban from all Double-A baseball and the independent Atlantic League's defending champion Long Island Ducks.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close