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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Peter Gammons Predicts He Will Finish Season Lonely And Depressed

BRISTOL, CT—In his 'Looking Ahead In 2006' column on ESPN's website, baseball analyst Peter Gammons said that there will be "no big surprises this year," predicting that he would once again finish the season in the cellar, all alone and unable to let go of the events of the past seven months. "Although some experts are saying I will fold in the hot weather come August, I'm certain I will make it to the playoffs and head into the World Series healthy and excited, as I do each year," Gammons wrote Monday. "But when all is said and done, I am going to end up lying prone on the world champions' clubhouse floor, where I will remain, covered in old champagne and stacks of 2006 box scores, until someone wakes me up next spring." Gammons also predicted that he would have an extremely quiet offseason in which he doesn't make any major moves.

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