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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Peter Gammons Predicts He Will Finish Season Lonely And Depressed

BRISTOL, CT—In his 'Looking Ahead In 2006' column on ESPN's website, baseball analyst Peter Gammons said that there will be "no big surprises this year," predicting that he would once again finish the season in the cellar, all alone and unable to let go of the events of the past seven months. "Although some experts are saying I will fold in the hot weather come August, I'm certain I will make it to the playoffs and head into the World Series healthy and excited, as I do each year," Gammons wrote Monday. "But when all is said and done, I am going to end up lying prone on the world champions' clubhouse floor, where I will remain, covered in old champagne and stacks of 2006 box scores, until someone wakes me up next spring." Gammons also predicted that he would have an extremely quiet offseason in which he doesn't make any major moves.

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