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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview

NEW YORK—Sports Illustrated’s Peter King published his lengthy preview of Super Bowl XLVII Sunday, drawing particular attention from readers in large part due to nearly 50 mentions of a terrible stay at a Courtyard Marriott littered throughout the piece. “Taking advantage of the extra week’s rest will be crucial for injured 49ers end Justin Smith—nearly as crucial as it was for me the night before covering two conference championship games in one day, but Lord knows I couldn’t string together more than two consecutive hours of sleep with those paper-thin dividers the Courtyard tries to pass off as walls,” King wrote in the championship preview he broke into six parts: offense, defense, special teams, good luck getting any goddamn hot water, coaching, and intangibles. “There are still a number of questions that need to be answered by 49ers offense and the manager of that sad excuse for a hotel, namely, can they move the ball through the air if the running game is contained and how exactly can you get away with calling something a breakfast when the waffle maker is broken and you’re all out of eggs?” After explaining in detail that giving attitude is a surefire way for bellhops to never earn a tip, King concluded the preview by predicting that the Ravens will win a tight, low scoring matchup and he won’t be setting foot in any Marriott-operated hotel unless “some major Rewards points get sent my way soon.”

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