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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview

NEW YORK—Sports Illustrated’s Peter King published his lengthy preview of Super Bowl XLVII Sunday, drawing particular attention from readers in large part due to nearly 50 mentions of a terrible stay at a Courtyard Marriott littered throughout the piece. “Taking advantage of the extra week’s rest will be crucial for injured 49ers end Justin Smith—nearly as crucial as it was for me the night before covering two conference championship games in one day, but Lord knows I couldn’t string together more than two consecutive hours of sleep with those paper-thin dividers the Courtyard tries to pass off as walls,” King wrote in the championship preview he broke into six parts: offense, defense, special teams, good luck getting any goddamn hot water, coaching, and intangibles. “There are still a number of questions that need to be answered by 49ers offense and the manager of that sad excuse for a hotel, namely, can they move the ball through the air if the running game is contained and how exactly can you get away with calling something a breakfast when the waffle maker is broken and you’re all out of eggs?” After explaining in detail that giving attitude is a surefire way for bellhops to never earn a tip, King concluded the preview by predicting that the Ravens will win a tight, low scoring matchup and he won’t be setting foot in any Marriott-operated hotel unless “some major Rewards points get sent my way soon.”

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