adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Peyton Manning

Quarterback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Tuning out all the distracting noise from his in-helmet headset; Puts ball exactly where receiver can’t fuck everything up

Weaknesses: Sometimes wishes he could be mowing the field instead of playing on it; Has not yet attained father’s approval; Sends mixed messages by continuing to wear Colts workout gear

Guilty Pleasure: Making Eric Decker needlessly run back and forth before snap

Least Favorite Brother: Cooper

Age He Fell In Love With Football: 31

Biggest Regret: Shooting that guy for Marvin Harrison

Better Ingredients: Better pizza

Pregame Ritual: Putting on helmet

Retirement Plans: Coaching football, watching football, broadcasting football, camping, promoting football, playing football

NEXT: Wes Welker

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close