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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Peyton Manning

Quarterback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Tuning out all the distracting noise from his in-helmet headset; Puts ball exactly where receiver can’t fuck everything up

Weaknesses: Sometimes wishes he could be mowing the field instead of playing on it; Has not yet attained father’s approval; Sends mixed messages by continuing to wear Colts workout gear

Guilty Pleasure: Making Eric Decker needlessly run back and forth before snap

Least Favorite Brother: Cooper

Age He Fell In Love With Football: 31

Biggest Regret: Shooting that guy for Marvin Harrison

Better Ingredients: Better pizza

Pregame Ritual: Putting on helmet

Retirement Plans: Coaching football, watching football, broadcasting football, camping, promoting football, playing football

NEXT: Wes Welker

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