Peyton Manning

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Peyton Manning

Quarterback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Tuning out all the distracting noise from his in-helmet headset; Puts ball exactly where receiver can’t fuck everything up

Weaknesses: Sometimes wishes he could be mowing the field instead of playing on it; Has not yet attained father’s approval; Sends mixed messages by continuing to wear Colts workout gear

Guilty Pleasure: Making Eric Decker needlessly run back and forth before snap

Least Favorite Brother: Cooper

Age He Fell In Love With Football: 31

Biggest Regret: Shooting that guy for Marvin Harrison

Better Ingredients: Better pizza

Pregame Ritual: Putting on helmet

Retirement Plans: Coaching football, watching football, broadcasting football, camping, promoting football, playing football

NEXT: Wes Welker

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