Peyton Manning

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Peyton Manning

Quarterback, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Tuning out all the distracting noise from his in-helmet headset; Puts ball exactly where receiver can’t fuck everything up

Weaknesses: Sometimes wishes he could be mowing the field instead of playing on it; Has not yet attained father’s approval; Sends mixed messages by continuing to wear Colts workout gear

Guilty Pleasure: Making Eric Decker needlessly run back and forth before snap

Least Favorite Brother: Cooper

Age He Fell In Love With Football: 31

Biggest Regret: Shooting that guy for Marvin Harrison

Better Ingredients: Better pizza

Pregame Ritual: Putting on helmet

Retirement Plans: Coaching football, watching football, broadcasting football, camping, promoting football, playing football

NEXT: Wes Welker