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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Peyton Manning Apologizes For Cheating One Time When He Was 5

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was barely able to compose himself as he apologized to his family, friends, coaches, team, and fans Tuesday, tearfully admitting that he had in fact cheated during a 1981 game of hide and seek by deliberately hiding inside his house even though it had been declared off-limits. "Although I was young, I still knew right from wrong, and youth is no excuse for my actions," the two-time NFL MVP told reporters during a 90-minute press conference. "This was no way for the best player to ever play football, let alone quarterback, to act. I'm willing to accept any punishment the NFL wishes to hand down, whether they choose to suspend me for the first a quarter of a game or even for an entire first half." Despite leaving a total of 54 messages on Roger Goodell's voicemail, Manning said the NFL commissioner had yet to inform him of any punishment.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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