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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Peyton Manning Apologizes For Cheating One Time When He Was 5

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning was barely able to compose himself as he apologized to his family, friends, coaches, team, and fans Tuesday, tearfully admitting that he had in fact cheated during a 1981 game of hide and seek by deliberately hiding inside his house even though it had been declared off-limits. "Although I was young, I still knew right from wrong, and youth is no excuse for my actions," the two-time NFL MVP told reporters during a 90-minute press conference. "This was no way for the best player to ever play football, let alone quarterback, to act. I'm willing to accept any punishment the NFL wishes to hand down, whether they choose to suspend me for the first a quarter of a game or even for an entire first half." Despite leaving a total of 54 messages on Roger Goodell's voicemail, Manning said the NFL commissioner had yet to inform him of any punishment.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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