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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam

DENVER—Erasing any lingering doubts that he will continue his record-breaking career, the Denver Broncos confirmed Wednesday that star quarterback Peyton Manning has been cleared to play next season after passing a detailed and thorough verbal neck examination. “We were very pleased with Peyton’s ability to answer all questions about the flexion, extension, and rotation of his neck muscles,” said team physician Dr. Grant Kisele, adding that when testing whether Manning had full range of motion, the 37-year-old quickly passed the assessment with an emphatic “yup.” “Peyton’s neck is strong, stable, and shows no signs of damage or muscular atrophy from this past season, and his 2011 spinal fusion has had no ill effects on his arm strength—he said so very clearly.” Team sources also confirmed that Manning is contractually obligated to pass a similar physical over the phone every year for the duration of his contract.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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