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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam

DENVER—Erasing any lingering doubts that he will continue his record-breaking career, the Denver Broncos confirmed Wednesday that star quarterback Peyton Manning has been cleared to play next season after passing a detailed and thorough verbal neck examination. “We were very pleased with Peyton’s ability to answer all questions about the flexion, extension, and rotation of his neck muscles,” said team physician Dr. Grant Kisele, adding that when testing whether Manning had full range of motion, the 37-year-old quickly passed the assessment with an emphatic “yup.” “Peyton’s neck is strong, stable, and shows no signs of damage or muscular atrophy from this past season, and his 2011 spinal fusion has had no ill effects on his arm strength—he said so very clearly.” Team sources also confirmed that Manning is contractually obligated to pass a similar physical over the phone every year for the duration of his contract.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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