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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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Peyton Manning Comes Out As Gay For Football

DENVER—In a stunning revelation Friday that sent shockwaves through the NFL, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning announced during an emotional press conference that he is gay for football.

“For many years I’ve struggled with hiding this secret, but after a great deal of soul-searching, I know it’s time to publicly acknowledge that, yes, I’m gay for football,” said Manning, who wiped away tears while admitting that disclosing his true feelings about the sport provided a huge sense of relief. “Deep down, I always knew that I was gay for football. I think the guys in the locker room suspected that for a long time, too.”

“I am a man who loves football, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” added the four-time NFL MVP. “It’s not a choice. I was born this way, and you can’t fight who you are.”

Manning, who told reporters that he first experienced an overwhelming attraction to football when he was 5 years old, said that he felt obliged to conceal his true personal and social identity, fearing that being openly gay for the sport would be humiliating for himself and his family.

The four-time MVP said he ultimately decided to come out because he wanted to be a role model for kids who think that being gay for football somehow makes them different, strange, or inferior in some way.

“I was the only kid in my high school who was gay for football, and that was very tough for me,” Manning said. “All the other guys would be talking about girls or whatever, and I’d join in so they wouldn’t suspect anything. But all I was really thinking about were slant routes, three-step drops, and winning Super Bowls.”

While initially concerned about being ostracized by the Broncos, Manning was touched when coaches and players lauded the 37-year-old for bravely coming out.

“Peyton was very courageous to do this at a time when many people might judge him as a freak,” said Broncos outside linebacker Von Miller. “But I think they’d be surprised by how many of their favorite NFL players are super gay for football.”

Archie Manning, retired New Orleans Saints quarterback and father of Peyton, confirmed that he always knew his son was gay for football.

“I could always tell that Peyton was gay for football when he was just a little kid out on the field,” said Archie Manning, adding that his family loves and supports Peyton. “Compared to the other kids, he was just really different. I was pretty sure when I’d watch the way he’d flamboyantly throw his arms in the air while calling audibles at the line of scrimmage or gush on and on for hours about his favorite passing plays.”

“The person I’m most concerned for right now is Peyton’s wife, Ashley,” he added. “I can’t imagine the emotional toll this must be taking on her. To marry a man and then find out his one true love isn’t you and probably never has been must be extremely difficult.”

At press time, Peyton Manning was surprised by the immense outpouring of support from everyday Americans who are also gay for football.

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