Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season seemed to evaporate as he proudly grasped his younger brother by the shoulders and said, "Man, this has been without a doubt the worst year of my life."

"I can hardly believe this is happening to me," added Peyton, beaming with unguarded joy and apparently beside himself with happiness for all his brother had achieved. "I can't believe you won a Super Bowl in my home stadium the year I didn't play at all. Now you have twice as many rings as I do and twice as many Super Bowl MVP awards. How? How is that even possible?"

Peyton made a point of singling out his junior sibling amidst the chaos of celebrating players, throngs of reporters, and general postgame mayhem in order to tell Eli exactly how special the moment was for him, saying, "I may never recover from how monumentally terrible I feel right now."

"To see you succeed on the biggest stage of all, to win the biggest game and receive its highest honor twice, is like a knife in my gut," gushed the ecstatic elder Manning as flashbulbs and champagne corks popped around them. "Remember this moment forever—the moment you made me an irrelevant footnote. I'll certainly never forget it."

Peyton noted that Eli started the game remarkably strong, completing a Super Bowl–record nine consecutive passes, and finished even stronger with his pinpoint 38-yard pass into the hands of a well-covered Mario Manningham on the final drive, a performance Peyton said puts Eli squarely in the category of top quarterbacks "where, until this very moment, I thought I belonged."

"You've really done it this time," the injury-plagued 37-year-old Peyton told his little brother, noting that Eli's Super Bowl win may mark his own last appearance at Lucas Oil Stadium. "You've turned me back into Dan Marino. No one was saying it before, but now that you're a two-time winner, they'll be saying it again in no time. I hope you're happy, Eli. I really do. I can barely move my head."

With his victory Sunday, Eli Manning became one of five quarterbacks, including Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw, with multiple Super Bowl Most Valuable Player awards. Peyton Manning's most notable achievements include being the quarterback to most quickly reach 4,000 completions and 50,000 yards, breaking records originally set by Dan Marino.

Peyton responded with enthusiastic affirmatives when asked if Eli had finally reached the elite level by beating Belichick's dynastic Patriots twice, saying, "Hey, the Bears defense I faced in that Super Bowl was pretty good," and that when history looks back on Eli's amazing accomplishment, they should note that "my brother had a great defense backing him up. All I had was Dwight Freeney."

And when asked by Indianapolis Star reporter Mike Chappell which of the three Manning quarterbacks was the all-time best, Peyton clapped his brother warmly on the back, winked, and said, "We'll see. I'm not done yet, and neither is Eli."

Peyton then struck Chappell in the mouth, knocking out two teeth.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.