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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Peyton Manning Declares He Has At Least One More Surgery In Him

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following his team’s 24-10 win in Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning ended weeks of speculation surrounding his future by announcing Sunday that he has at least one more surgery in him. “I’ve had a long run and been a part of a lot of pretty big surgeries, but I still think I’ve got one more major operation left in the tank,” said Manning, adding that he had deliberated for the past six months with friends, family, and medical specialists before deciding that he wasn’t ready to hang up his hospital gown for good. “Ultimately, I have to listen to my body, but I’ll keep going as long as I can still handle the anesthesia. I just can’t imagine myself never being under those bright lights in the operating room again. I’ll get on the gurney one more time and then ride off into the sunset.” Manning refused to comment, however, when asked whether he would undergo his next surgery in Denver or potentially at a medical center in Los Angeles.

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