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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Peyton Manning Declares He Has At Least One More Surgery In Him

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following his team’s 24-10 win in Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning ended weeks of speculation surrounding his future by announcing Sunday that he has at least one more surgery in him. “I’ve had a long run and been a part of a lot of pretty big surgeries, but I still think I’ve got one more major operation left in the tank,” said Manning, adding that he had deliberated for the past six months with friends, family, and medical specialists before deciding that he wasn’t ready to hang up his hospital gown for good. “Ultimately, I have to listen to my body, but I’ll keep going as long as I can still handle the anesthesia. I just can’t imagine myself never being under those bright lights in the operating room again. I’ll get on the gurney one more time and then ride off into the sunset.” Manning refused to comment, however, when asked whether he would undergo his next surgery in Denver or potentially at a medical center in Los Angeles.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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