Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder

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Vol 46 Issue 48

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Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network's signature program since the network's launch.

Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissi...

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns.

Marriage Handled Amicably

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder

INDIANAPOLIS—While sorting through his stacks of unwatched videotapes Friday, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly stumbled across a strange sort of game film in which two detectives, who are apparently not involved in the playing or discussion of football, attempt to solve a murder. "I have no idea why someone would make a tape of this, since it isn't about football in any way whatsoever," said Manning, adding that there wasn't a single defensive formation to analyze in the 120-minute-long tape. "I'm told that people do this with films, and that you can even see this sort of thing on TV sometimes, but I really don't understand how two guys trying to catch the person who killed the heiress is supposed to help someone read tendencies in the Titans' secondary." Manning admitted he had not been this confused by a game film since his wife, Ashley, made him break down tapes of a football player and a woman in a cheerleader outfit engaging in an extended and vigorous, though evidently pointless, tackling drill.

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