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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Peyton Manning: 'I Won This Game As A Team'

INDIANAPOLIS—Responding to critics who claim that recent games demonstrate that Indianapolis is a one-dimensional pass-first team with a porous run defense, quarterback Peyton Manning leapt to his team's defense Monday by saying that he, Peyton Manning, won or lost Colts football games as a team. "Everything I do out there, every play, every first down, every touchdown pass, I do as a team," said Manning, who added he resented the implication that he was weak in the short-yardage running game and could not pick up the blitz. "Need I remind you that I've converted 68 percent of my second-half third-down chances this year, that I have the lowest team average in dropped passes, and that I'm still undefeated? I think I'm doing pretty good for the so-called 'worst Colts team in years,' don't you?" When asked about placekicker Adam Vinatieri's last-minute game-wnning field goal against Denver last Sunday, a confused Manning said he "wished Vinatieri continued good luck with the Patriots."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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