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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Peyton Manning Impersonator Captured After Years Of Endorsing Products

Police apprehended Jerry Borgman this week, a 49-year-old contractor who allegedly appeared in dozens of commercials pretending to be Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Though Borgman is shorter than Manning and would always refuse to take off his reflective sunglasses on set, he was still able to pose as Manning for at least a year, without being detected by the millions of Americans who saw his ads or purchased products believing them to be endorsed by a Super Bowl MVP.

Psychologist Dr. Todd Priveti explains that Borgman was able to get away with the con for so long in public sight primarily because of the ubiquity of Manning's commercials. "Humans have evolved in such a way to block out ambient noise and other environmental stimuli the nervous system deems unimportant. For most Americans, Manning's droning voice and flat blah face simply faded into the wallpaper."

Here are some of Borgman's most notable hoaxes in his time as Peyton Manning:

  • Borgman's commercials for Samsung TVs ran concurrently with the real Manning's commercials for Sony.
  • Injured his back horsing around with kids in an NFL Cares spot, causing Jim Caldwell to mistakenly put a healthy Peyton Manning on the disabled list.
  • Watched a Giants game with the Manning family at Cowboys Stadium.
  • Manning fined after Borgman shoved a photographer at a Los Angeles-area convenience store.
  • Ducked out of an NFL awards dinner after the real Manning unexpectedly made an appearance.
  • Turned down humiliating Oreos spots with Eli and the Williams sisters, only to see the real Manning agree three weeks later.
  • Started at quarterback in the 2010 Pro Bowl.

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