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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire

MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the Dolphins over whether their host city would make a good retirement spot, sources close to the team said. "Peyton called this morning, and I stressed how great Miami would be for him. We've cut some major distractions from our roster, re-signed top defensive personnel—and I'm willing to design the offense so it’s keyed on him," said newly hired coach Joe Philbin, who spent most of the 45-minute call answering Manning's questions about local deep-sea fishing, South Beach nightlife, and the possibility of building a second house in the Keys. "I was particularly excited to learn that, if he comes to Miami, either right away or in four or five years, he plans on settling down here for good." Manning is also scheduled to contact the Denver Broncos this week to discuss the possible long-term outlook of skiing conditions.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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