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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Peyton Manning In Talks With Dolphins About Whether Miami Would Be A Good Place To Retire

MIAMI—Immediately following his eight-hour meeting Wednesday with the owners and coaches of the Tennessee Titans, star free-agent quarterback Peyton Manning initiated talks with the Dolphins over whether their host city would make a good retirement spot, sources close to the team said. "Peyton called this morning, and I stressed how great Miami would be for him. We've cut some major distractions from our roster, re-signed top defensive personnel—and I'm willing to design the offense so it’s keyed on him," said newly hired coach Joe Philbin, who spent most of the 45-minute call answering Manning's questions about local deep-sea fishing, South Beach nightlife, and the possibility of building a second house in the Keys. "I was particularly excited to learn that, if he comes to Miami, either right away or in four or five years, he plans on settling down here for good." Manning is also scheduled to contact the Denver Broncos this week to discuss the possible long-term outlook of skiing conditions.

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