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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Peyton Manning Overjoyed His Commercials Will Finally Appear In Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning took a moment during Super Bowl Media Day Tuesday to acknowledge his "deep, abiding joy and pride" that, after many years of attempting to make his presence felt on advertising's biggest stage, his commercials would finally be coming to the Super Bowl. "There's no greater honor for a major player in the endorsement game than to get to the Super Bowl," said Manning, a three-time AdWeek MVP who is attempting to prove once and for all that he can land the big campaign. "My dad was a great pitchman, but he never got here. People said I would never get here. But on Super Bowl Sunday, Sprint, DirecTV, MasterCard, Sony and I plan to prove them all wrong. I guarantee it." Manning will also be playing quarterback for the Colts during the game, although he is not expected to be televised nearly as much in that capacity.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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