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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Peyton Manning Overjoyed His Commercials Will Finally Appear In Super Bowl

INDIANAPOLIS—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning took a moment during Super Bowl Media Day Tuesday to acknowledge his "deep, abiding joy and pride" that, after many years of attempting to make his presence felt on advertising's biggest stage, his commercials would finally be coming to the Super Bowl. "There's no greater honor for a major player in the endorsement game than to get to the Super Bowl," said Manning, a three-time AdWeek MVP who is attempting to prove once and for all that he can land the big campaign. "My dad was a great pitchman, but he never got here. People said I would never get here. But on Super Bowl Sunday, Sprint, DirecTV, MasterCard, Sony and I plan to prove them all wrong. I guarantee it." Manning will also be playing quarterback for the Colts during the game, although he is not expected to be televised nearly as much in that capacity.

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