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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Peyton Manning Tirelessly Studying Footage Of Athletes Denying Allegations

DENVER—Praising the 39-year-old’s exhaustive preparations amid accusations involving performance-enhancing drug use and sexual assault, sources close to Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Wednesday that he has been tirelessly studying video footage of other athletes denying allegations. “He’ll sit in his film room 10, sometimes 12 hours a day just studying various defenses, and he’s been absolutely meticulous about writing down exactly how many seconds someone pauses before becoming teary-eyed and saying how hard the whole process has been on them and their family,” said Manning’s personal assistant, Ryan Robinson, noting that the quarterback had been thoroughly studying the likes of Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Ben Roethlisberger, and Lance Armstrong, often rewatching their interviews multiple times until he has memorized the techniques they used to profess their innocence. “You can ask him where Roger Clemens’ eyes were each time he says ‘It never happened’ on the 60 Minutes interview about the Mitchell Report, and Peyton can tell you. I swear, he’s got an encyclopedic knowledge of this stuff going back to the 1985 MLB cocaine trials. He’s just so focused and determined to beat the case.” Robinson added that Manning has also been meeting three hours a day with a public-speaking coach to work on the fundamentals of nonverbally conveying disbelief.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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