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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Peyton Manning Tirelessly Studying Footage Of Athletes Denying Allegations

DENVER—Praising the 39-year-old’s exhaustive preparations amid accusations involving performance-enhancing drug use and sexual assault, sources close to Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Wednesday that he has been tirelessly studying video footage of other athletes denying allegations. “He’ll sit in his film room 10, sometimes 12 hours a day just studying various defenses, and he’s been absolutely meticulous about writing down exactly how many seconds someone pauses before becoming teary-eyed and saying how hard the whole process has been on them and their family,” said Manning’s personal assistant, Ryan Robinson, noting that the quarterback had been thoroughly studying the likes of Kobe Bryant, Barry Bonds, Ben Roethlisberger, and Lance Armstrong, often rewatching their interviews multiple times until he has memorized the techniques they used to profess their innocence. “You can ask him where Roger Clemens’ eyes were each time he says ‘It never happened’ on the 60 Minutes interview about the Mitchell Report, and Peyton can tell you. I swear, he’s got an encyclopedic knowledge of this stuff going back to the 1985 MLB cocaine trials. He’s just so focused and determined to beat the case.” Robinson added that Manning has also been meeting three hours a day with a public-speaking coach to work on the fundamentals of nonverbally conveying disbelief.

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