adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Peyton Manning’s 14-Foot-Tall Wife Crushes Skull Of Sports Journalist Asking About HGH

DENVER—Tearing her blouse seams as she angrily flexed her massive, rippling biceps, Ashley Manning, the 14-foot-tall wife of Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, crushed the skull of a journalist inquiring about allegations that she received shipments of human growth hormone on behalf of her husband, sources confirmed Friday. “Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!” the enormous, muscle-bound 390-pound woman bellowed upon being asked about her connection to the Indianapolis-based Guyer Institute medical center, before she then grabbed the reporter’s head with one hand, squeezed it until his skull caved in, and violently slammed his limp body into the ground. “No comment!” Sources confirmed that Peyton Manning was unavailable for questions after his wife tucked him under her arm and carried him away.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close