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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’

ENGLEWOOD, CO— Speaking to reporters from Broncos training camp, quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Thursday that the exciting new Manning era in Denver will be immortalized with the breaking of his neck. "It might not be this season, it might not even be next season, but at some point during my time as a Denver Bronco, my neck will splinter into pieces," said the four-time MVP, adding that after multiple surgeries and a spinal fusion to repair significant nerve damage, his neck was "practically waiting to be snapped in half." "You're all going to watch it happen, too. It will be disgusting and incredibly, incredibly painful, and you’ll probably see a million replays of it afterward. There's a really good chance it will be a compound fracture and the bones will be bent at a 90-degree angle and jutting out of my throat." As of press time, Manning had been secured to a stretcher and carefully loaded into an ambulance after shattering four intervertebral disks and severing his cervical spinal nerve while attempting to remove his jersey.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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