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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’

ENGLEWOOD, CO— Speaking to reporters from Broncos training camp, quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Thursday that the exciting new Manning era in Denver will be immortalized with the breaking of his neck. "It might not be this season, it might not even be next season, but at some point during my time as a Denver Bronco, my neck will splinter into pieces," said the four-time MVP, adding that after multiple surgeries and a spinal fusion to repair significant nerve damage, his neck was "practically waiting to be snapped in half." "You're all going to watch it happen, too. It will be disgusting and incredibly, incredibly painful, and you’ll probably see a million replays of it afterward. There's a really good chance it will be a compound fracture and the bones will be bent at a 90-degree angle and jutting out of my throat." As of press time, Manning had been secured to a stretcher and carefully loaded into an ambulance after shattering four intervertebral disks and severing his cervical spinal nerve while attempting to remove his jersey.

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