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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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PGA Holds Quick Tournament With Tiger Woods Out Of Town

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—PGA players and officials took advantage of Tiger Woods' decision to spend the weekend out of town by promptly organizing a tournament on the back nine of the Coral Ridge Country Club Saturday after securing an 8 a.m. tee time. "We thought we'd get a quick niner in," tourney organizer Reginald Morrow said, adding that the $650,000-purse tournament was the best-attended PGA event of the season. "The weather was beautiful. We really had to take advantage of this small window of opportunity so everybody else could play some truly competitive golf for a change." Although Morrow claimed the nine-hole tournament ran smoothly, he said it was disconcerting when Tiger Woods called his cell phone several times, although he naturally let it go straight to voicemail.

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