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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."

Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals, unveils Cyntrex, a "worthless new drug" that he says will make the company "the total laughingstock of the industry."

Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac and Zoloft.

"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast Cafazzo told reporters. "More like, Another-Awful-Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More like, I suck."

The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms—causing a more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments—is something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.

Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.

"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy as Prozac does. I just know it."

Added Cafazzo: "My life is shit."

The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11 percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO, causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion pharmaceutical industry.

Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well with such a total fucking loser asshole for a boss."

"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a gun to blow my head off."

According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the drug during the early development stages, when they realized they couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.

"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our lousy little pills both. Why?"

Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before being restrained by loved ones.

Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently mumbling under his breath.

BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs, manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.

"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory!"

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