Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

Top Headlines

Recent News

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."

Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals, unveils Cyntrex, a "worthless new drug" that he says will make the company "the total laughingstock of the industry."

Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac and Zoloft.

"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast Cafazzo told reporters. "More like, Another-Awful-Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More like, I suck."

The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms—causing a more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments—is something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.

Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.

"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy as Prozac does. I just know it."

Added Cafazzo: "My life is shit."

The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11 percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO, causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion pharmaceutical industry.

Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well with such a total fucking loser asshole for a boss."

"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a gun to blow my head off."

According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the drug during the early development stages, when they realized they couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.

"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our lousy little pills both. Why?"

Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before being restrained by loved ones.

Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently mumbling under his breath.

BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs, manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.

"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory!"