Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

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Vol 31 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Brad Manning, arrested hours after his sketch was completed, stole Lampert's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work.

The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."

Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals, unveils Cyntrex, a "worthless new drug" that he says will make the company "the total laughingstock of the industry."

Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac and Zoloft.

"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast Cafazzo told reporters. "More like, Another-Awful-Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More like, I suck."

The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms—causing a more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments—is something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.

Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.

"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy as Prozac does. I just know it."

Added Cafazzo: "My life is shit."

The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11 percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO, causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion pharmaceutical industry.

Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well with such a total fucking loser asshole for a boss."

"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a gun to blow my head off."

According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the drug during the early development stages, when they realized they couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.

"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our lousy little pills both. Why?"

Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before being restrained by loved ones.

Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently mumbling under his breath.

BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs, manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.

"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory!"

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