adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Phil Jackson Enjoying Retirement On Montana Ranch With Egomaniacal Livestock Who Hate Each Other

LAKESIDE, MT—In a rare interview from his Montana ranch that aired Saturday on SportsCenter, former Lakers coach Phil Jackson said he has found his retirement dealing with the egos of his star cattle who all hate each other relaxing. "It's nice to just be out here enjoying the quiet of nature, meditating on the leisurely pace of pastoral life, and juggling the personalities of a few talented animals who would rather spend all day squabbling about who's ranch this is than just go out and do what they're supposed to be here to do," said Jackson, repairing his trademark triangle fence after a steer decided it was holding him back. "There's nothing I would rather be doing in my halcyon days than placating selfish beings who want all the grass for themselves." Later, Jackson showed the cameras a cow he explained wanted to be sold to another ranch, and then suddenly killed and butchered it and ate one of its steaks raw.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close