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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Phil Jackson Enjoying Retirement On Montana Ranch With Egomaniacal Livestock Who Hate Each Other

LAKESIDE, MT—In a rare interview from his Montana ranch that aired Saturday on SportsCenter, former Lakers coach Phil Jackson said he has found his retirement dealing with the egos of his star cattle who all hate each other relaxing. "It's nice to just be out here enjoying the quiet of nature, meditating on the leisurely pace of pastoral life, and juggling the personalities of a few talented animals who would rather spend all day squabbling about who's ranch this is than just go out and do what they're supposed to be here to do," said Jackson, repairing his trademark triangle fence after a steer decided it was holding him back. "There's nothing I would rather be doing in my halcyon days than placating selfish beings who want all the grass for themselves." Later, Jackson showed the cameras a cow he explained wanted to be sold to another ranch, and then suddenly killed and butchered it and ate one of its steaks raw.

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