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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Phil Mickelson Demands Scott McCarron Publicly Apologize To Pitching Wedge

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—In response to accusations of cheating that he called hurtful, insensitive, and simply not true, Phil Mickelson lashed out at Scott McCarron Thursday, demanding that his fellow PGA Tour member publicly apologize for humiliating Mickelson's 20-year-old pitching wedge. "You can say what you will about me, but you do not attack Ping-Eye 2," said Mickelson, addressing McCarron's claim that a loophole in the PGA Tour rules had been unfairly exploited to allow the club to take part in sanctioned competitions. "Scott, that pitching wedge has done nothing to you, yet you dare criticize the square grooves on its face? How could you? You either apologize to my wedge or I swear to God I will say things that will bring your stupid-looking putter to its knees." According to sources close to Mickelson, the two-time Masters winner has urged his pitching wedge to explore taking legal action against McCarron for slander.

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