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Phil Mickelson Laughs Off 2nd-Place Finish, Blows Brains Out In Car

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Phil Mickelson Laughs Off 2nd-Place Finish, Blows Brains Out In Car

SANDWICH, ENGLAND—Following another tournament meltdown Sunday, the world’s sixth-ranked golfer Phil Mickelson joked to reporters at the British Open about missing a two-foot putt and making three bogeys on the final six holes before calmly walking to his Ford Expedition, getting into the driver’s seat, and blowing his brains out with a .357 Magnum revolver. “Ha, oh boy, looks like I choked again,” said a smiling Mickelson, who just minutes later removed the gun from his glove compartment, placed the barrel in his mouth, and screamed loudly before pulling the trigger. “Guess I let another major slip away, huh? Ha! Ha ha ha ha!” According to hospital reports, Mickelson was unable to successfully complete the suicide attempt, and although he will live, the damage to his bullet-riddled brain and extremely disfigured face is irreparable.

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