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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Phil Mickelson Laughs Off 2nd-Place Finish, Blows Brains Out In Car

SANDWICH, ENGLAND—Following another tournament meltdown Sunday, the world’s sixth-ranked golfer Phil Mickelson joked to reporters at the British Open about missing a two-foot putt and making three bogeys on the final six holes before calmly walking to his Ford Expedition, getting into the driver’s seat, and blowing his brains out with a .357 Magnum revolver. “Ha, oh boy, looks like I choked again,” said a smiling Mickelson, who just minutes later removed the gun from his glove compartment, placed the barrel in his mouth, and screamed loudly before pulling the trigger. “Guess I let another major slip away, huh? Ha! Ha ha ha ha!” According to hospital reports, Mickelson was unable to successfully complete the suicide attempt, and although he will live, the damage to his bullet-riddled brain and extremely disfigured face is irreparable.

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