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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Phil Mickelson Reluctantly Uses Golf Club Kids Made For Father's Day Present

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—In an effort to show appreciation for his Father's Day gift, Phil Mickelson, participating in the final round of the U.S. Open Sunday, reluctantly used a pitching wedge his three children created from a cardboard tube, construction paper, a shoe box, and masking tape. "Oh, boy. I'm never going to get all the glitter out of my golf bag," Mickelson was overheard saying as he stared down a 135-yard shot to the No. 1 green, his children eagerly looking on. "This is going to be a long day." Mickelson then examined the pitching wedge's yarn grip and the grooves drawn on the clubface in magic marker, sighed, set up to the ball, and proceeded to make a 47 on the hole.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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