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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Phil Mickelson's Shower Caddy Recommends Sudsy 9-Iron

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Approaching the halfway point of a solid round of bathing Sunday, Phil Mickelson followed the advice of his shower caddy and used a sudsy 9-iron for his approach shot instead of the shampoo-covered pitching wedge he had originally intended to swing. "Look at the location of the drain and the way the water's running," whispered shower caddy Jim Mackay, removing the loofah from a driver so Mickelson could wash his back between shots. "Just play it safe and avoid the hazard, then worry about making up ground in your next shower." While the advice proved helpful, Mickelson and his caddy unfortunately had a heated exchange only minutes later, when Mackay misread the slope of the tub, causing Mickelson to slip and fall in his attempt to step out.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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