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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Phil Mickelson's Shower Caddy Recommends Sudsy 9-Iron

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Approaching the halfway point of a solid round of bathing Sunday, Phil Mickelson followed the advice of his shower caddy and used a sudsy 9-iron for his approach shot instead of the shampoo-covered pitching wedge he had originally intended to swing. "Look at the location of the drain and the way the water's running," whispered shower caddy Jim Mackay, removing the loofah from a driver so Mickelson could wash his back between shots. "Just play it safe and avoid the hazard, then worry about making up ground in your next shower." While the advice proved helpful, Mickelson and his caddy unfortunately had a heated exchange only minutes later, when Mackay misread the slope of the tub, causing Mickelson to slip and fall in his attempt to step out.

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