adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father

MAMARONECK, NY—Phil Mickelson has fine-tuned his entire game for this week's U.S. Open at Winged Foot by preparing over 20 warm, folksy stories about him and his living father that, according to Mickelson, will propel him to a first-place finish should he find himself atop the leaderboard with "any competitor lacking paternal support." "I just really love my living dad, and I think that will come out in the fishing story I plan to tell at around the 16th hole on Championship Sunday, when golfers really need that added edge," Mickelson said. "I can't wait to call up my father, who will be alive to answer the phone, and share this win with him on Father's Day." Tiger Woods, Mickelson's main competition, has prepared several stories of his own, about the joys of playing golf right-handed, weight gain, and how somebody could possibly play a round of golf while his children have been kidnapped.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close