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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father

MAMARONECK, NY—Phil Mickelson has fine-tuned his entire game for this week's U.S. Open at Winged Foot by preparing over 20 warm, folksy stories about him and his living father that, according to Mickelson, will propel him to a first-place finish should he find himself atop the leaderboard with "any competitor lacking paternal support." "I just really love my living dad, and I think that will come out in the fishing story I plan to tell at around the 16th hole on Championship Sunday, when golfers really need that added edge," Mickelson said. "I can't wait to call up my father, who will be alive to answer the phone, and share this win with him on Father's Day." Tiger Woods, Mickelson's main competition, has prepared several stories of his own, about the joys of playing golf right-handed, weight gain, and how somebody could possibly play a round of golf while his children have been kidnapped.

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