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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Phil Mickelson's U.S. Open Strategy Includes Telling Loud, Touching Stories About Living Father

MAMARONECK, NY—Phil Mickelson has fine-tuned his entire game for this week's U.S. Open at Winged Foot by preparing over 20 warm, folksy stories about him and his living father that, according to Mickelson, will propel him to a first-place finish should he find himself atop the leaderboard with "any competitor lacking paternal support." "I just really love my living dad, and I think that will come out in the fishing story I plan to tell at around the 16th hole on Championship Sunday, when golfers really need that added edge," Mickelson said. "I can't wait to call up my father, who will be alive to answer the phone, and share this win with him on Father's Day." Tiger Woods, Mickelson's main competition, has prepared several stories of his own, about the joys of playing golf right-handed, weight gain, and how somebody could possibly play a round of golf while his children have been kidnapped.

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