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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade

NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of the championship broadcast praising New Orleans’ burgeoning sex trade. “You know, Jim, every time we make our way down to The Big Easy, I am consistently impressed by the professionalism, flexibility, and general hospitality displayed by the sex workers of this fine city,” said Simms during the first quarter of Sunday’s championship game, effusively praising New Orleans’ “accommodating” and “spunky” prostitutes as co-announcer Jim Nantz frantically attempted to shift the conversation to Baltimore’s run defense. “And talk about variety! One girl, two girls, black, Asian, elderly: whatever you want, wherever you want. I tell you, we’ve had such a great time in this town, it’s really going to be tough to say goodbye.” According to viewers of the Super Bowl telecast, Simms then went on to describe in graphic detail the “bargain” anilingus session he had enjoyed that morning, ultimately forcing producers to cut his microphone.

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