Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.

Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade

NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of the championship broadcast praising New Orleans’ burgeoning sex trade. “You know, Jim, every time we make our way down to The Big Easy, I am consistently impressed by the professionalism, flexibility, and general hospitality displayed by the sex workers of this fine city,” said Simms during the first quarter of Sunday’s championship game, effusively praising New Orleans’ “accommodating” and “spunky” prostitutes as co-announcer Jim Nantz frantically attempted to shift the conversation to Baltimore’s run defense. “And talk about variety! One girl, two girls, black, Asian, elderly: whatever you want, wherever you want. I tell you, we’ve had such a great time in this town, it’s really going to be tough to say goodbye.” According to viewers of the Super Bowl telecast, Simms then went on to describe in graphic detail the “bargain” anilingus session he had enjoyed that morning, ultimately forcing producers to cut his microphone.

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