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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Phil Simms Spends Super Bowl Broadcast Talking Up New Orleans Sex Trade

NEW ORLEANS—While announcing Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVII matchup between the Ravens and the 49ers, CBS sportscaster Phil Simms reportedly spent the majority of the championship broadcast praising New Orleans’ burgeoning sex trade. “You know, Jim, every time we make our way down to The Big Easy, I am consistently impressed by the professionalism, flexibility, and general hospitality displayed by the sex workers of this fine city,” said Simms during the first quarter of Sunday’s championship game, effusively praising New Orleans’ “accommodating” and “spunky” prostitutes as co-announcer Jim Nantz frantically attempted to shift the conversation to Baltimore’s run defense. “And talk about variety! One girl, two girls, black, Asian, elderly: whatever you want, wherever you want. I tell you, we’ve had such a great time in this town, it’s really going to be tough to say goodbye.” According to viewers of the Super Bowl telecast, Simms then went on to describe in graphic detail the “bargain” anilingus session he had enjoyed that morning, ultimately forcing producers to cut his microphone.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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