UTICA, NY—Shooting anxious glances at each other across the dinner table upon the introduction of the unexpected topic, relatives of Mary Turner, 76, expressed concern to reporters Tuesday over where their grandmother is going with her discussion of low-income housing.
BATAVIA, ILFermi National Accelerator Laboratory physicist Laird Karmann, a noted string theorist and accused philanderer, said Monday that he can "explain everything" if his wife Elizabeth will just give him a chance. "Surely, anyone can see that, mathematically, the universe is composed of Riemann surfaces, having positive-definite metrics, across which the attached 'loops' or free 'strings' have a (1+1) dynamic topology," Karmann said. "But string behaviors are Lorentzian, meaning that theylike meneed an intense dual-phase Wick rotation now and then just to stay in rational space. I mean, it was just a blowjob." Elizabeth refused to accept her husband's theory, suggesting that he study the transformational loop dynamics implicit in her hurled wedding ring.