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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes

RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. "Marlboro Sinus PM uses the power of acrid tobacco smoke to restore and rejuvenate," Philip Morris president William Gifford said. "Just inhale two cigarettes right before bedtime and the medicated tar goes to work by coating your mucus and packing it down deep inside your lungs. You'll wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and ready for a smoke." In addition to the Sinus PM cigarettes, Philip Morris will later this month introduce its new line of Non-Drowsy Daytime Formula 100s and Copenhagen Smokeless Birth Control Dipping Tobacco.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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