Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

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Vol 29 Issue 21

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts over the past several days proved unsuccessful. The former Kansas senator ra...

Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake.

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman, My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work si...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Partying

Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy Lung” Virus. The “Pussy Lung” Virus, according to Dr. Jack Oldham, attacks only individuals with weak, “almost woman-like” lungs and is in no way linked to smoking cigarettes. “Real men, men who enjoy the rich full flavor of Philip Morris brand cigarette products, are in no risk whatsoever of contracting lung cancer, unless they are also carrying the ‘Pussy Lung’ virus,” Oldham said. “Several of our test subjects were weakened by cancer, and they were clearly pussies. They couldn’t even walk without a respirator.” Philip Morris spokespeople announced that they will lobby Congress to have all warning labels removed from cigarettes.

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