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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy Lung” Virus. The “Pussy Lung” Virus, according to Dr. Jack Oldham, attacks only individuals with weak, “almost woman-like” lungs and is in no way linked to smoking cigarettes. “Real men, men who enjoy the rich full flavor of Philip Morris brand cigarette products, are in no risk whatsoever of contracting lung cancer, unless they are also carrying the ‘Pussy Lung’ virus,” Oldham said. “Several of our test subjects were weakened by cancer, and they were clearly pussies. They couldn’t even walk without a respirator.” Philip Morris spokespeople announced that they will lobby Congress to have all warning labels removed from cigarettes.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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