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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy Lung” Virus. The “Pussy Lung” Virus, according to Dr. Jack Oldham, attacks only individuals with weak, “almost woman-like” lungs and is in no way linked to smoking cigarettes. “Real men, men who enjoy the rich full flavor of Philip Morris brand cigarette products, are in no risk whatsoever of contracting lung cancer, unless they are also carrying the ‘Pussy Lung’ virus,” Oldham said. “Several of our test subjects were weakened by cancer, and they were clearly pussies. They couldn’t even walk without a respirator.” Philip Morris spokespeople announced that they will lobby Congress to have all warning labels removed from cigarettes.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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