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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy Lung” Virus. The “Pussy Lung” Virus, according to Dr. Jack Oldham, attacks only individuals with weak, “almost woman-like” lungs and is in no way linked to smoking cigarettes. “Real men, men who enjoy the rich full flavor of Philip Morris brand cigarette products, are in no risk whatsoever of contracting lung cancer, unless they are also carrying the ‘Pussy Lung’ virus,” Oldham said. “Several of our test subjects were weakened by cancer, and they were clearly pussies. They couldn’t even walk without a respirator.” Philip Morris spokespeople announced that they will lobby Congress to have all warning labels removed from cigarettes.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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