adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Philip Morris Scientists Discover 'Pussy Lung' Virus

Durham, NC—The Philip Morris Company announced Monday that a team of tobacco researchers has linked lung cancer victims to a condition known as “Pussy Lung” Virus. The “Pussy Lung” Virus, according to Dr. Jack Oldham, attacks only individuals with weak, “almost woman-like” lungs and is in no way linked to smoking cigarettes. “Real men, men who enjoy the rich full flavor of Philip Morris brand cigarette products, are in no risk whatsoever of contracting lung cancer, unless they are also carrying the ‘Pussy Lung’ virus,” Oldham said. “Several of our test subjects were weakened by cancer, and they were clearly pussies. They couldn’t even walk without a respirator.” Philip Morris spokespeople announced that they will lobby Congress to have all warning labels removed from cigarettes.

More from this section

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close