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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Phillies Season-Ticket Holder Stuck With Goddamn Joe Blanton Game Again

PHILADELPHIA—Philadelphia Phillies fan Rick Kirkland was disappointed to learn Friday that his season-ticket package had once again dealt him a game started by the fifth man in the team’s rotation, Joe Blanton. “Four of five starters are All-Stars, and we get the shitty one again?” said Kirkland, who has had to endure the mediocre Blanton the past eight times he has taken his family to the ballpark. “Do you have any idea what it costs to go to these games? If I wanted my kid to see a guy who will be totally forgotten in a few years struggle to locate an 89-mile-per-hour fastball, I could take him to a college game, for fuck’s sake.” Kirkland did express some hope a rainout might alter the rotation schedule, but when asked about the scenario, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel confirmed he would still start Blanton just to spite the ticket holder.

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