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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Phillies Win World Series, Nation Thinks

PHILADELPHIA—Americans are fairly sure, though unable to say for certain, that the Philadelphia Phillies won the 2008 World Series, thereby breaking their city's longstanding sports-championship drought.

"Yeah...I kind of think I remember seeing them celebrating before Family Guy was on," said Minnesota resident Ed Siclari, who believes the Phillies may have defeated the Red Sox or Yankees in the World Series and during the NLCS almost definitely played that team Manny Ramirez currently plays on. "I'm not sure whether it was close or a blowout, but I know the winning team had reddish uniforms. And there was that whole rain thing, unless that was last year?" After a quick Google search for "world series mvp," Siclari and the rest of the nation were surprised to learn the award did not go to Phillies slugger Howard Ryan.

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