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Photo Of Masked Gunman Released

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Photo Of Masked Gunman Released

'This Was Taken During Halloween,' Says Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—A shocking photo was released to the public this afternoon of a masked Gunman spotted outside a local residence at an undisclosed time. “Okay, this photo was clearly taken during Halloween,” local cashier Lisa Gunman said. “I mean, Christ, I’m wearing a Catwoman costume. Can we cut this out already? I know my last name is Gunman, but this one’s kind of a stretch, don’t you think? It really just seems irresponsible at this point.” State and local authorities had no comment on the identity or whereabouts of the disguised Gunman.

This is an update of a previous story: Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

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