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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Photojournalist Spends Month In Oval Office Blind To Capture Images Of Obama In Natural Habitat

WASHINGTON—Determined to create the definitive visual document of President Obama in his natural environs, award-winning photojournalist Bradlee Stoughton has reportedly staked out the Oval Office for the past month while concealed in a small camouflaged blind. “I spotted the noble and majestic president of the United States this morning perched regally in his chair, but the light wasn’t good enough to shoot,” Stoughton said Thursday, adding that he was initially disheartened after spending the first 10 days in the cramped blind without getting a single shot of the elusive commander-in-chief, who was away on an extended overseas diplomatic trip. “Still, I got a great photo of the magnificent creature threatening North Korea—a significant predator—via executive order, and a stunning panoramic shot of him and his mate tending to their young. It was breathtaking.” Stoughton remarked that he hopes his finished project will prove as important as Alfred Eisenstaedt’s Pulitzer-winning 1971 photo series of President Nixon cornering a chipmunk and viciously tearing it apart.

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