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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Photojournalist Spends Month In Oval Office Blind To Capture Images Of Obama In Natural Habitat

WASHINGTON—Determined to create the definitive visual document of President Obama in his natural environs, award-winning photojournalist Bradlee Stoughton has reportedly staked out the Oval Office for the past month while concealed in a small camouflaged blind. “I spotted the noble and majestic president of the United States this morning perched regally in his chair, but the light wasn’t good enough to shoot,” Stoughton said Thursday, adding that he was initially disheartened after spending the first 10 days in the cramped blind without getting a single shot of the elusive commander-in-chief, who was away on an extended overseas diplomatic trip. “Still, I got a great photo of the magnificent creature threatening North Korea—a significant predator—via executive order, and a stunning panoramic shot of him and his mate tending to their young. It was breathtaking.” Stoughton remarked that he hopes his finished project will prove as important as Alfred Eisenstaedt’s Pulitzer-winning 1971 photo series of President Nixon cornering a chipmunk and viciously tearing it apart.

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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

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