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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Photojournalist Spends Month In Oval Office Blind To Capture Images Of Obama In Natural Habitat

WASHINGTON—Determined to create the definitive visual document of President Obama in his natural environs, award-winning photojournalist Bradlee Stoughton has reportedly staked out the Oval Office for the past month while concealed in a small camouflaged blind. “I spotted the noble and majestic president of the United States this morning perched regally in his chair, but the light wasn’t good enough to shoot,” Stoughton said Thursday, adding that he was initially disheartened after spending the first 10 days in the cramped blind without getting a single shot of the elusive commander-in-chief, who was away on an extended overseas diplomatic trip. “Still, I got a great photo of the magnificent creature threatening North Korea—a significant predator—via executive order, and a stunning panoramic shot of him and his mate tending to their young. It was breathtaking.” Stoughton remarked that he hopes his finished project will prove as important as Alfred Eisenstaedt’s Pulitzer-winning 1971 photo series of President Nixon cornering a chipmunk and viciously tearing it apart.

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