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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating

REDDING, CA—Noting that his practice’s rating on the business review website had dipped to just 3.5 stars, local primary care provider Dr. Frank Hawley reportedly dashed off several Adderall prescriptions Monday to give his Yelp average a needed boost. “I keep a pretty close eye on my reviews, and whenever I see my number fall below four stars I just write out a few extra Adderall or Dexedrine scripts and it’s back up in no time,” said Hawley, adding that he usually ups the dosage to 30 milligrams and makes sure to prescribe two refills to ensure he stays near the top of the local general practice rankings. “Patients are always happy when I sign that prescription slip and hand it to them—it’s pretty much a guaranteed five-star rating. In a business that survives by word of mouth, good reviews are absolutely essential.” In addition, Hawley confirmed he hasn’t advised a single patient to exercise regularly or maintain a healthy diet since 2011, saying he learned his lesson after receiving a devastating one-star review.

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