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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate

BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide against a fixed nickel target at near light speed. "I know we're not supposed to accelerate personal particles on company equipment, but [Nobel laureate] Leon [Lederman] brings in his own subatomic matter all the time and nobody says anything," Lippmann said. "Plus, I'll do it after five, so it's not even on company time." To assuage any further guilt over the workplace rule infraction, Lippmann promised to clean all the leptons out of the accelerator's ion trap and leave the Van de Graaf generator looking just like new.

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