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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate

BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide against a fixed nickel target at near light speed. "I know we're not supposed to accelerate personal particles on company equipment, but [Nobel laureate] Leon [Lederman] brings in his own subatomic matter all the time and nobody says anything," Lippmann said. "Plus, I'll do it after five, so it's not even on company time." To assuage any further guilt over the workplace rule infraction, Lippmann promised to clean all the leptons out of the accelerator's ion trap and leave the Van de Graaf generator looking just like new.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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