Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate

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Vol 46 Issue 23

Rookie Strasburg Begins Hazing Nationals Veterans

WASHINGTON—Though Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg has only played in two major league games, the right-handed phenom has asserted his dominance in the clubhouse by hazing his veteran teammates, eyebrow-lacking sources confirmed Thursday.

Nike, Adidas Favorites In World Cup Final

JOHANNESBURG—As the first round of World Cup matches conclude, analysts have said that despite several dramatic and valiant displays from underdogs, traditional soccer juggernauts Nike and Adidas are still the favorites to reach the World Cup final.

Somali Pirates Make Off With Moses Mabhida Stadium

DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Several World Cup matches will be rescheduled following the Friday afternoon theft of Moses Mabhida Stadium by Somali pirates, who used chains attached to a makeshift flotilla of armed skiffs to tow the arena through Durban Bay ...

Seashells Transform Suburban Bathroom Into Tropical Hideaway

WOODMERE, OH—"It's like a little island getaway right in my very own home," said Dale Watson, surrounded now by towering palm trees and beautiful white sand beaches where once only a shower mat and curtain had existed. "This is the way life is meant to be. I feel like I should be eating grilled mahimahi right now."

Big Cats Lured By Obsession

In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men.

Landon Donovan

Donovan is the heart, soul, brains, and pretty much the whole right flank of the U.S. World Cup team. Is he any good?

2010 World Cup Teams To Watch

While Brazil and Argentina seem to grab all the attention, the field is as interesting as it is deep. Onion Sports points out the keys for each national side.
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Physicist Brings In Particle From Home He's Been Meaning To Accelerate

BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide against a fixed nickel target at near light speed. "I know we're not supposed to accelerate personal particles on company equipment, but [Nobel laureate] Leon [Lederman] brings in his own subatomic matter all the time and nobody says anything," Lippmann said. "Plus, I'll do it after five, so it's not even on company time." To assuage any further guilt over the workplace rule infraction, Lippmann promised to clean all the leptons out of the accelerator's ion trap and leave the Van de Graaf generator looking just like new.

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